Umm I'm too high to move.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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