oh god was she eating orange peels again
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
