I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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