My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
