3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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