he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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