I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
is that a dick in a sweater?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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