I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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