im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
