Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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