Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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