need another drink. this is the easiest way
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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