my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
