Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i wish my penis had a tongue
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
