The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
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