oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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