i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
she peed on how many people?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
