I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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