If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
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