i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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