Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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