Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
