Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
