Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
