omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
