dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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