Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
