he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
