walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
