She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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