what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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