so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
is it fun? or sober?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize