I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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