I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Damn victory sex feels great
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