So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
