My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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