so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
