Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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