the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
