i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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