So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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