I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
