She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
