I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
