Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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