At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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