I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize