I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
