I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
