just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
