this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Actions speak louder than pants.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
