I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
