I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I need to calm my uterus...
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
