and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Randomize
