I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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