I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
