If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
