there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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