hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Randomize
