You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
