I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
